If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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