Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Randomize
