I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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