Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
