So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
