redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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