Your face is a jimmy john
What a fucking waste of an outfit
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
