I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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