4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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