Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
