I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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