I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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