when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
