I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
