i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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