im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
