i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
