im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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