We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
