my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize