he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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