Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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