OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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