Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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