I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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