Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize