I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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