I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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