Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
