Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
