The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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