Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
