I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
