it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
