Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
