my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize