you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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