meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
