well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize