After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
