Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
