does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
