whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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