this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
