Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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