I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
