I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
