I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
