He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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