I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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