I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
