If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I AM VODKA MAN
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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