I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize