I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
