Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
