I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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