Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
